Thursday, August 26, 2010

In Between Moments

Ahhh... today was a long day. Randy was home late from work and I have been feeling really run down. I found myself having a sort of out-of-body experience while the afternoon clicked by minute by minute.

So much is always happening.

Between eight family members (at our house;) two parents, two kids, two dogs and two cats, there is always something going on with someone; good, bad, or just simply "happening".  I think most people try most of the time to be the best person they can be in any given moment.  No matter how one is behaving or responding, we are innately doing the very best we can with where we are 'now'.

But sometimes there are moments where I feel like I am just watching my life from above somehow, and this afternoon was one of those moments. I was diagnosed today via. positive blood test for Lyme disease. Lyme?

I woke up at 4:30am Sunday night with excruciating pain in my leg, and was sure I had torn a ligament at a wedding the night before. I had felt fine all day, but thought maybe somehow the pain of such an injury would come later? Four Advil and a half hour later I was fast asleep, I called the Dr. first thing in the morning.

She mentioned a few other symptoms people had been reporting to her with concern, and I was awestruck. Last week I had had each and every symptom she had mentioned. Hart palpitations, chills, fatigue, irritability, and of all things... a late, late period. What?

So, this afternoon I was looking down at my life from this odd space in my brain where I realized that for the next three months (at the very least) I would be on antibiotics and according to the doctor, would be feeling much worse before I feel better. Daily life has been challenging to me before all of this. Staying home with two kids under the age of four, every day, all day. This is a wonderful kind of hard, but it is hard none the less.
As the afternoon dragged on,  I was feeling tired.  Chewing on these worries about what exactly it is that lies ahead in my recovery, I realized that it is not the big moments that are hard. We react to the 'big' moments spontaneously, candidly, free from over thinking or forethought. In these big moments are where the person we truly are shines most brightly, instantly. But it is during the in-between moments, in between the big moments, where we really feel those personal things we are struggling with. When all else is quiet we have an opportunity to recognize what are personal struggles are. These are the times in which we have to continuously convince ourselves,  or remind ourselves,  or practice, who it really is that we are and who we are choosing to be.

Every moment presents an opportunity to choose who we are,  and how we are gong to 'be'.  With a deep breath, a little love and a whole ton of patience...

I don't know.  What do you think?